Elements Of BDSM: Safeword

Due to the mass media interpretation of bondage or BDSM play, bondage has become a forbidden form of sex. Despite the myths and misconceptions about bondage and BDSM, many people really enjoy playing out fantasy sex roles with their partner and they discover that bondage and S&M sex toys are an exhilarating way to enhance sexual play or help to enact intricate BDSM scenarios. Sex does not always have to revolve around bondage or bondage sex toys, but many couples find this type of fantasy play so erotic that they indulge in performing various bondage stories that can often surpass the boundaries of comfort. This brings us to our next topic in the elements of SM play—using a safeword.

In The Big Bang, the editors of Verve.com write: "Communication is the cornerstone of all relationships—a kinky relationship [exploring bondage or SM play] is no exception. Partners need to figure out what they want, what they don't want; what they're willing to do and what they would never do; how'd they like an evening to being, and more importantly, how they'd like it to end" (124). Creating a safeword is part of negotiating the boundaries of bondage or SM play. There are times where the fantasies can eclipse your personal boundaries and you need to exit the bondage or BDSM play scenario immediately. The most effective way to do so is to establish a signal or word with your BDSM play partner prior to entering the scenario that means No! As the actual word "no" easily fits in to bondage or BDSM fantasy enaction another word, such as red, or an action, like dropping a ping pong ball, should be used as a safeword for exciting the scenario.

An expert in bondage and BDSM play, Jay Wiseman treats the subject of a "safeword" in Erotic Bondage Handbook:
Because SM play can sometimes become very intense, both physically and emotionally, and because people sometimes like to role-play SM scenes in which they are "forced" to do things "against their will," it is very common in SM for the players to agree upon some type of real-world signal to indicate to their partner that the activity has reached a point that they are no longer comfortable with. Typically, a specific word, commonly called a "safeword," is used to fulfill this function. For example, the two people might agree ahead of time that they will role-play something like rapist and victim, in which the victim will be "captured" and tied up while struggling (somewhat) against their captor, perhaps even crying out "no" or "stop" as part of the role-play. But if the "victim" {or the "rapist" for that matter) calls out the word "carrot," it signals that they really need to have some issue addressed and that it's not part of the game.
Note: I have met a fair number of people within the SM community) who solemnly claim that they play without safewords, but when I look closely at what they actually do with their partners I almost always discover that they have the functional equivalent of a safeword in place. Sometime I find that they don't play with safewords, but they are so careful to keel their play within the "acceptability zone" of their partners that the need for one essentially never arises unless something unexpected occurs. On those very few occasions that I discover that the person really isn't using a safeword, I usually find that they have a history of having a way-above-average number of their SM scenes ending with hurt bodies and/ or hurt feelings, and with very few of their former partners being willing to either play with them again or to recommend them to others. I also usually find that these no-safeword players have a history of relatively short relationships (15).

Jay Wiseman makes several important points in this passage regarding safewords in bondage and BDSM play: first that a safe word is an essential part of safe bondage play and that it should always be respected by both parties engaging in the BDSM play; and secondly, that if you don't respect safewords or don't use them that you will soon be playing alone! In the third part of Elements of SM play, negotiating limits and damages will be discussed.