Texas and Sex Toys

Meghan Scott is a freelance writer based in Austin, Texas. She has worked as an editrix, ghostwriter, professional stripper, and women's rights activist. Her causes include reproductive rights, comprehensive sexual education, and increasing tolerance for alternative lifestyles. She can be reached at meghan@bmeworld.com.


I'm on my way to being an outlaw. I'll be booked for possession of dildos with intent to promote.

In a way it's like one of those wacky laws that get sent around as e-mail forwards, too weird to be believed. But it's true, the sale of "obscene devices" which are "designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs" is illegal in the Lone Star State, according to the Texas Penal Code; that means no dildos, artificial vaginas, or vibrators are allowed. If you have them, be prepared to defend your ownership on the grounds of education or art. Not only that, but a private individual owning seven or more such sex toy devices can be brought up on charges of "intent to promote," which is a class A misdemeanor. Mercy me! I don't know how many people out there have dildo sex toy collections, but I'd be willing to bet it's more than you'd think. (It's always more than you'd think. Always.) That means an awful lot of people out there are breaking the law. I wonder: if I advocate the use of dildo sex toys, is that promoting? Can I be arrested for that?

"Hey, everyone, use dildos! They're great! Everyone should use them! I hereby promote dildo sex toy use! And try vibrators while you're at it! Yay, sex toys, rah rah rah!"

Well, the boys in blue don't appear to be knocking down my door just yet. I'll let you know if they do.

Silly me, I didn't know about this law until recently. Perhaps it was the extensive variety of dildos and vibrators and sex toys available for sale at my friendly neighborhood sex toy shop that threw me. But look carefully the next time you go dong sex toy shopping in Texas; vibrators are marked as "personal massagers" and dildos are simply "educational models." They aren't sold for sexual purposes, but to relieve aching necks or to demonstrate proper use of a condom. The staff at the stores will explain the law, but never even in jest do they suggest a sexual purpose for their products. (An employee demonstrating a luscious rabbit pearl sex toy on my hand actually said with a straight face, "Now imagine what it will do for your sore muscles." But then, I imagine he's had a lot of practice.) When you buy one, expect to sign a waiver stating that you won't use the devices for any lewd or lascivious purpose. It's sort of like places that will sell you a bong, under the guise of it being nothing more than a way to smoke perfectly legal tobacco. Who the heck smokes tobacco out of a bong, anyway?

I couldn't find the history of the law; if anyone out there could enlighten me, I'd appreciate it. But as far as I can tell it's just another way for the conservatives to impose their narrow morality on everyone in the state; dig through the laws and codes and you'll find a slew of laws that legislate sexual behavior (notably anti-sodomy laws). After all, you can't call Texas a particularly progressive state; I've heard the term "nothin' but steers n' queers" applied to our fair state on more than one occasion, which should tell you something. I can't think of one rational reason to outlaw sex toys being sold as sex toys, and I'm a creative thinker. Maybe Texans were afraid Dildo Huts would spring up in their malls and encourage deviant sexual behavior if toys went unregulated. Though I don't see using a vibrator sex toy as particularly deviant . . . perhaps if you're using it on a cow. I have yet to meet someone who has a public anti-dildo sex toy stance, and I've met some real nuts in my time. (I'd love to see the protest rallies for that cause.) The only people I can even conceive of being in favor of this law are the tight-lipped, tight-assed conservative prudes who can't stand for anyone else to have a good time. You know the types, women with big hair and fetching little sweaters with kitties knit into them, men with comb-overs and ill-fitting Sears suits.

If I'm reading the law right, it's not so much the use of sextoys that bothers the conservatives, it's the open sale of sex toys. Sort of like how they feel porn is awful and base, but as long as it's kept totally secret and never leaves the home, it's okay; the open sale, however, must be stopped. Strip clubs are fine, as long as they aren't anywhere near where decent people live their lives. Anything overtly sexual must be hidden away. I absolutely loathe that mentality. What gives them the right to tell anyone what is acceptable sexual activity and what isn't? I'm not saying we should hand out hardcore BDSM blood-play porn to first-graders, I just think we should allow consenting adults to do whatever they want in the privacy of their homes, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else in the process.

Texans, write to your representatives and protest this idiotic law; the worst that can happen is you'll offend your rep's delicate sensibilities. At least you'll be helping to bring sexuality out of the shadows; we talk about impotence openly these days, it's time to be candid about sex toys. Hell, maybe once we legalize dildo sex toys, we can get to work on knocking down those anti-sodomy laws. In the meantime, I think I shall glue dildo sex toys all over my car and do a driving tour of East Texas. Anyone who wants to post my bail in advance let me know.